Jindrak
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Apr 10, 2008, 9:23 AM
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An opinion piece by "Dr. Suess" in the newest version of The Onion
Stop Making Movies About My Books
By Dr. Seuss
April 2, 2008 | Issue 44•14
* On the fourteenth of March, in towns nationwide,
* In every cinema, multiplex, on every barnside,
* Gleamed another adapting of one of my books,
* CGI-ed and digitized by another sly crook.
* Horton, my favorite—look how he's been treated!
* Stuffed with tinsels and tassels and promptly excreted!
* The puns! And the filler! The script fees you must save!
* While I tumble and grum-humble around in my grave.
* Did you learn all but squat from The Cat In The Hat?
* Please tell me you fired the prick who made that.
* I would have stopped writing, maybe sold Goodyear tires.
* If I knew one dark day I'd costar with Mike Myers.
* And Oh!
* Oh, dear! Oh!
* My poor Grinch, what they've done!
* They crammed in live-action and snuffed out all the fun!
* It's icky, it's tacky, it's awkward, it's wrong.
* The Whos look like ferrets, it's an hour too long.
* What a rotten idea to spend millions destroying
* This masterful tale kids spent decades enjoying!
* But still you keep making them!
* Just how do you dare?
* Sell my life's work off piecemeal
* To every Tom, Dick, and Har'.
* Why it's simply an outrage—a crime, you must judge!—
* To crap on my books with this big-budget sludge.
* My books are for children to learn ones and twos in,
* Not commercialous slop for Jim Carrey to ruin.
* Have you no respect for the gems of your youth?
* To pervert them on screen from Taiwan to Duluth.
* Even after you drag my last word through the dirt,
* I know you, you pirates,
* You'd cut out my heart for a "Thing 1" T-shirt.
* For eighty-some years I held you vultures at bay,
* knowing just how you'd franchise my good name some day.
* Not yet cold in my grave before you starting shooting
* the first of my classics you'd acquired for looting.
* Mrs. Seuss, that old stoofus, began selling more rights
* to Dreamworks, Universal—any hack in her sights.
* First The Cat In The Hat and then this, that and Seussical
* without a thought to be picky, selectish, or choosical.
* So to Audrey, you whore, you sad sack of a wife:
* Listen close. Pay attention, for once in your life.
* You give Fox In Sox to those sharks who made Elf
* And so help me, I'll rise up and kill you myself.
* No Sneetches by Sony—
* No One Fish: On Ice—
* Burn that Hop On Pop II script not one time but twice.
* Don't sex up my prose with Alyssa Milano…
* And no Green Eggs And Ham with that one-note Romano!
* This must stop! This must end! Don't you see what you're doing?
* You're defiling the work I spent ages accruing.
* And when it's dried up and you've sucked out your pay
* There'll be no going back to a simpler day,
* When your mom would give Horton a voice extra deep,
* And turn the last page as you drifted to sleep.
* Instead you'll have boxed sets, [Expletive Deleted] movies, and… well,
* You'll have plenty to watch while you're burning in hell.
"In the words of every extreme sports fanatic, it looks fun, you go first."
-Penn Gillette
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